Dubya Talks Turkey
As part of Cranelegs’ never ending search for the truth about the world around us, I was able to get a few unprecedented moments with President Bush—alone. I got right to the questions you have on your minds and heard first-hand from the leader of the free world. I think you’ll find the President’s frankness and openness refreshing during this no-holds-barred interview.
(08/31/2006, 07:23 AM: complete unedited transcript: White House Gym locker room)
Cranelegs: So Mr. President, first I’d like to thank you for taking time from your busy schedule to speak with me.
Mr. President: Just taking a break from the treadmill. Caught me at a good time. Hope ya don’t mind the sweat. Heh! Heh!
Cranelegs: Not at all sir. Again thanks. Let me start by asking, have you heard of Cranelegs?
Mr. President: Can’t say I have. Good name for ya though, with those pretzels for calves you have. Heh! Heh!
Cranelegs: You are quick Mr. President.
Mr. President: Call me Dubya. I love nicknames when no one’s around.
Cranelegs: Okay, Dubya. Anyway, that is how I got my nickname, my skinny legs.
Dubya: Yeah, I can see that. I would have called you Stick Boy, but Cranelegs is good.
Cranelegs: So, Cranelegs is my website. It’s a site for humor. Maybe not right now, but usually. You know, poking fun at stuff.
Dubya: Yeah, well ya came to the right place then. Heh! Heh!
Cranelegs: So let’s see. One of my regular visitors wants to know what’s your favorite barbeque?
Dubya: Favorite barbeque? Yeah. Um … pig on a rotis-ree, slow cooked over mesquite coals. Sometimes I imagine it’s Osama with a big ole apple in his mouth. Yeah, I look forward to that day—think that’ll require a little extra hot sauce on the side. Yeah.
Cranelegs: Well speaking of Osama, do you have any idea when that day may come?
Dubya: When that day will come? Yeah … um … September 11th, 2008, two months before the big election. There will be one heck of a barbeque at the ranch. Might even invite that Campfire Girl lady who’s been settin’ tents outside the ranch there.
Cranelegs: Ya mean Cindy Sheehan?
Dubya: That her name? Seems like a good cause. Campfire girls.
Cranelegs: She’s protesting the war. She lost a son.
Dubya: No, that’s just the liberal press. Rovey told me she is looking for contributions for the campfire girls. She’s on our side. Good Christian woman, even Methodist, I’ve been told.
Cranelegs: Ya might want to check that out.
Dubya: No need to, Rovey’s been doin’ a good job. Yeah, 9/11/2008, we plan to have Too Tall all skewered up and basted in bacon fat. Pork Chop’s already dieting in preparation so he can partake.
Cranelegs: Too Tall? Pork Chop, sir?
Dubya: Bin Laden and Cheney.
Cranelegs: I don’t understand. How can you be so sure of the date you’ll have him?
Dubya: It’s all part of a classified plan, even if it requires a look-a-like—a double. Already have three candidates in Gitmo as we speak. Ah, I can smell the sweet mesquite smoke now. Makes ya kind of hungry.
Cranelegs: But sir isn’t that a little underhanded?
Dubya: I understand that. Good people thinkin’ that’s underhanded. Makin’ a political thing out of it. I understand. But they would be wrong minded. Ya see, the American people need to be safe. Ya can’t leave that up to the Democrats. We’ll make ya safe even if we have to make it up. Cause people are frightened.
Cranelegs: But Dubya, aren’t you guys the ones that scared us in the first place?
Dubya: Not me! I think you’re talkin’ about Cheney and Rumsfeld. Hell, those boys scare me. Some of the bedtime stories Pork Chop reads me are bone chillin’. I mean, the American people know that our troops are the bravest!
Cranelegs: I’m not sure I follow the logic.
Dubya: That’s okay. I understand that. Ya seem like a good fella Cranelegs. Ya see, our troops are the best. Good Americans know that. Pork Chop is scary. Good Americans know that too. See, Good Americans know a lot of things. That’s the connection.
Cranelegs: Oh yeah, I think I get it.
Dubya: For a moment there I thought you were dumb as Santorum. Now that’s a dumb fella. Good man but dumber than a cat in a freezer. Heh, heh, heh!
Cranelegs: That is some sense of humor ya got there Dubya. To whom ya tribute it?
Dubya: Who do I tribute it to? Let’s see … um … mommy! Yeah, I’d have to say mommy! She’s a scream, if ya get her goin’. Great with those “negroes in hurricanes” jokes.
Cranelegs: I see. Do ya have a favorite comedian—other than your mother?
Dubya: Do I have a favorite comedian? Um … I’d have to say Curly from the Three Stooges. He reminds me of Pork Chop on a hunting trip.
Cranelegs: He’s been dead awhile, besides he’s kind of a physical humor guy. I was thinking more along the lines of a contemporary, social satirist?
Dubya: More contempry? More satrist? Yeah. Carrot Top. He makes me laugh hard in social settings—hard satrist laughter.
Cranelegs: Interesting. Speaking of comedians, what do you like to read when you have some downtime?
Dubya: Don’t have much of that with exercising and signing bills and things. It’s a tough job. Gotta work nine, sometimes ten hours a day, three days a week. When I do have time though, I read “Highlights for Juniors”. Want to know what’s on the minds of our kids, our future.
Cranelegs: “Highlights for Juniors”?
Dubya: Yeah! I love that “Goofus And Gallant” section. Some day that Goofus is gonna lay a whoopin’ on that homosexual, Gallant. Our kids need to learn the gay life style has sad outcomes.
Cranelegs: I see. Let’s switch subjects, shall we? Your opponents say we are not more safe today then we were before 9/11, that we are sidetracked by Iraq—
Dubya: hm—
Cranelegs: That Al Qaeda is gaining support in other regions of the world—
Dubya: yeah—
Cranelegs: like Venezuela and throughout Asia. Are we safer Dubya?
Dubya: Yeah … listen I understand that. Good people disagreein’. But here’s the answer. We haven’t been attacked on US soil since 9/11. It’s been five years. It isn’t a coincidence! We are winning the war on terror!
Cranelegs: Well, it was eight years between Al Qaeda attacks on the same target, the Twin Towers, and that was when we were asleep at the switch. Shouldn’t you wait a few more years before using the time between attacks as any barometer of success?
Dubya: Barometer? What are ya? One of them global warming guys? Heh! Heh! Heh! No, look, I understand that. Good Americans sayin’ five years means nothing. I understand. But that’s just politics. (pauses five seconds)
Cranelegs: But Dubya—
Dubya: Now hold it Cranelegs. Don’t interrupt. You asked a question and I want to finish. But five years today is like twenty five years in the Nineties. It’s a faster pace. The pace is faster. What I’m tryin’ to say is if you include time inflation, it’s been twenty-five years. I think that’s important to consider if … um when … um while you look at the whole thing. Besides, we’re takin’ the battle to them in Iraq.
Cranelegs: Yeah, that brings me to the next question. We have lost 2600 American lives over there. I’m assuming a great portion of those lives were lost at the hands of the terrorists? Aren’t we just exporting targets for terrorists?
Dubya: No! And here’s why. Cause we are spreading democracy. First Afghanistan, then Lebanon, now Iraq. People love democracy. I know we see only bombings on our news. I know that we only see the bad stuff. I understand people need to see that. See, I call that the train wreck syndrome. People love to watch train wrecks. Ya never hear about a new tunnel or a new depot or a new trestle or new conductor outfits. Just hear about the wrecks. I encourage people to go on their internets and do a goggle search—
Cranelegs: Excuse me. Do you mean google?
Dubya: Is that it? Google? Yeah, that one. People need to search for good news. Actually, we are bringing a bill before the Senate soon to fund a government sponsored search engine called “Spin-gle”, which will bring White House sponsored news. In the meantime, I suggest you search using keywords like “schools, hospitals, oil profits”. You’ll see that there are lots of good things happening. Or get your news from that FOX station, particularly that Hannity fella. There are others, but he seems to be the fairest because he has that atheist Democrat on with him who turns everything into politics.
Cranelegs: Which leads into my last question. Why is it that when someone disagrees with you they are using politics and you are not?
Dubya: Yeah … um … look, it’s simple. I’m the President. And as such, I’m the Deciderer. And I’ve decided they are political. Ya see, I have a job to do. I have to protect the American people, even if that means tapping their phone calls and emails. Ya see, my opponents will say I’m taking away rights. That’s politics. I understand that. They are good people saying those things. Unfortunately, they are aiding our enemy and killing American babies. We think that’s just plain wrong. The fact is, we are not taking away rights. We are watching Americans to make sure they are using their rights. You make a call to someone in a remote cave in Pakistan, we want to know that. We want to know you are using your rights freely. We are documenting the use of your freedoms so no one can say we are taking away your rights. We are freedom documenters, not freedom deniers, as Democrats, Socialists and Infant Killers would have you believe. But I understand that.
Cranelegs: I feel a migraine coming on.
Dubya: Here try this.
Cranelegs: “Head On”
Dubya: Yeah, apply it directly to the forehead.
Cranelegs: Really?
Dubya: It doesn’t do anything for the headache, but it does create a pathway for the spirit of Jesus Christ to enter your soul. I think you could use a little entering.
Cranelegs: No kiddin’. I thought it blocked the gravitational pull of Alien abduction rays.
Dubya: Who told ya that?
Cranelegs: I read it in People Magazine. Anne Heche said it. Must be true.
Dubya: Is she that pretty, homosexual, lesbian gal of the opposite sex?
Cranelegs: Yeah, that one.
Dubya: Hum … let me rub a little more of that directly on my forehead when you’re done!
Cranelegs: Well, I have no more questions.
Dubya: I have no answers. Heh! Heh! Heh!
Cranelegs: Like to say anything in closing to the folks at Cranelegs?
Dubya: Yeah … um … ya see … this is hard stuff. I understand that. But Freedom is on the march. Progress is being made. Sure I understand the American people are growing tired. Good people. But progress is being made. People love freedom. They hate the opposite of freedom … um … unfreedom. My opponents are good people too but they are dead wrong. One more dead American baby is wrong. But that’s what they want. We don’t. We stand for something else. We are against killing innocent white, heterosexual, Christian babies and those in the Lieberman family. That is what the real American people want too.
May God continue to bless the real American people and bob-ba-booey to ya all!
This article was written by humorist Robert Crane. Author of “Still Living in the Sixties”, “The Single Adventure of Inlin Freebosh″, and several screenplays, Robert also writes a popular blog of casual observations and a few confessions, all of which can be freely read at his popular website located in the outer edges of the “internets”:
cranelegs.com cranelegs.com
